If you’ve been taking swimsuit selfies, then I’m sorry to inform you that you’ve probably been doing it all wrong. The proper way to take a selfie is actually not to take a photo at all, but instead to take a video with slow, slightly somber, slightly romantic, music playing quietly in the background.
Ideally you should start the video by your thigh and slowly work your way up to your tanned, smiling face. Make sure the wind is blowing in your hair just so. Bonus points if you have a huge engagement ring to showcase while you move your hair out of your eyes. The video should end with a full body shot of you in your white one-piece bathing suit with a straw hat. By this point, the music should have cut out abruptly and mysteriously. And I’m not actually speaking from firsthand experience, but from the perspective of an innocent bystander admiring Jennifer Lopez’s swimsuit documentation prowess from afar.
Last month, Jennifer Lopez posted a selfie in a white bikini with the caption “relaxed and recharged.” After undoubtedly being the biggest hustler of 2019, no one deserves relaxation more than Lopez. But we needed to recover after seeing her selfie, which put every other bikini selfie we’ve ever seen to shame.
And just the other day, she produced the cinematic masterpiece that is her white one-piece swimsuit selfie video. In it, she didn’t speak. She didn’t have to. Instead she smized. And miles away from South Beach, more than 10 million of us watched in awe. In a short, ten-second clip, she made everyone want to go to Miami, buy a white one-piece swimsuit, and give in to our narcissistic tendencies. Lopez has been wearing the white one-piece swimsuit trend for months now, but the last time we saw her in it, she had the words “Forever Young” written in gold on the front. Some might call that “rubbing it in,” but Lopez is just telling the truth.
This time around her swimsuit had no text but, as Lopez says in her less-than-straightforward caption, “No one likes a shady beach.” Exactly what she means, I’m not entirely sure, but I’ll stand behind her statement because I’d follow this woman to the ends of the earth.
Since I’d do anything Lopez does, I’ve strongly considered buying a Coach sweatshirt with Barbra Streisand’s face on it and am now in the market for a white one-piece swimsuit. If Lopez’s shady beach comment is meant to be taken literally, then these two items would actually work together perfectly on a brisk day by the beach. Hopefully the ‘forever young’ bit will follow.
Shop the Jennifer Lopez-approved white one-piece swimsuit trend below.
Melissa Odabash Calabasas Ribbed One-Piece Swimsuit
Shop now: $244; nordstrom.com
Melissa Odabash Libson Knotted One-Piece Swimsuit
Shop now: $267; nordstrom.com
Bound by Bond-Eye The Moto Ribbed One-Piece Swimsuit
Shop now: $175; nordstrom.com
Bleu by Rod Beattie Twist & Shout One-Piece Swimsuit
Shop now: $119; nordstrom.com
Tavik Montauk One-Piece Swimsuit
Shop now: $146; nordstrom.com
Frankies Bikinis Cody Cutout One-Piece Swimsuit
Shop now: $190; nordstrom.com
La Blanca Island One-Piece Underwire Swimsuit
Shop now: $119; nordstrom.com
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